[Review]: Know My Name

[silversea]

Title: Know My Name
Author: Chanel Miller
Genre: Memoir
Content warning: Sexual assault

“I am a victim, I have no qualms with this word, only with the idea that it is all that I am.”

A memoir by Chanel Miller, whom you may know as Emily Doe from her famous victim statement in 2016 after her assailant, Brock Turner, was sentenced to 6 months in jail. In 2019, Miller revealed her identity along with a new book about her sexual assault, the lasting trauma from it, her fight for justice, and her ongoing recovery.

This is an excellent memoir, starting from the day Miller was assaulted and the morning she woke up without any memories of the assault to the world's responses to her victim statement that went viral and the changes in the judiciary system. Like in the victim statement, Miller did not shy away from sharing vulnerable moments, such as her depression isolating her from family and friends, but also gradually learning how to heal through friends, therapy, and new hobbies.

Almost immediately after the assault, in denial of the assault, Chanel Miller separated Emily Doe as another self, as a way for her to dissociate with the assault. She tried to carry on normally as before as Miller, while dealing with the legal process as Doe. She only told her sister and her sister's friend who were both at the party with her about it, but kept it a secret from nearly everyone else, out of concern and shame. Despite keeping her two lives apart, the trauma continued to bleed over in Miller's life, and she became stressed and developed anxiety and depression, forcing her to quit her job.

I found her descriptions of her anxiety and depressing devastating and very difficult to read. Her anguish came through so clearly and sharp, it was upsetting and I had to take breaks from the book. Miller could not take breaks from her pain. She had to heal little by little, by moving to the East Coast, taking art classes, doing comedy shows, and eventually going to therapy. It was not a fast or clean journey, and she acknowledged that she's still in the process of healing, but she's in a much better place now.

Miller also wrote about her exhausting struggle to understand the legal process. I learned many things about the judiciary system and just how unfriendly the process is like for victims, which is often confusing, unclear, and without or with limited support. One thing that upset me so much was when Miller recalled getting a hospital bill for her rape kit. Since she won the trial, Turner had to pay the bill for the kit, but I couldn't help but wonder what happened to victims who did not get a trial or lose their trial. Do they have to pay for their own rape kits? This is horrifying.

During the trial, Miller's character was attacked as a party girl who was asking for it by Turner's defense, the news, and the public. Worse still, she had to sit there and listen to how Turner was a golden boy with a bright future now ruined by "20 minutes of action". What about her own life and future? Miller highlighted the inequality in the court, favoring wealthy white men like Turner. Despite being found guilty, Turner was given an outrageously lenient sentence of 6 months in jail, reduced to 3 months for good behavior. Would the sentencing still be the same, if the assailant came from a less privileged background?

Know My Name is very emotionally hard to read, overwhelming at times. Miller's trauma is extremely clear and visceral in her writing, and there were many moments when I became upset or angry on her behalf. It is also an illuminating read, showing what the legal process is like for sexual assault victims, which is a dehumanizing and profoundly humiliating process. Through the memoir, Miller reclaimed her identity, not reduced to victimhood, but a whole person with a family, dreams of being an artist and children’s book author, and hopes for a better future. I highly recommend this for anyone interested in the American judicial system for rape cases, rape culture, and memoirs in general.

Comments

[rocky41_7]

I didn't know she'd written a book, thank you for bringing this to my attention. Stories like Miller's are important to achieving change in the system to prevent others from experiencing what she did. It is courageous of her to come forward to have such an intimate discussion with the general public. I hope sharing her side of the story brought her some peace.

[silversea]

I agree, it was really brave of her to come forward, but I learned anonymity doesn't always protect victims as she described her painful experiences of everyone making assumptions in her trial.

I didn't know this but she's now writing children's books, which is great to see since she discussed that being one of her dreams.

[minoanmiss]

*with tears in my eyes, makes a note of this*