[Book Review] At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca

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Title: At Dark, I Become Loathsome
Author: Eric LaRocca
Genre: psychological horror/thriller

I've been meaning to read LaRocca for ages now, and had intended to start with one of his short fiction anthologies, but then found out through happenstance that my state has some sort of restrictions (????) on his most recent novel, which of course meant I had to start there.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome follows protagonist Ashley Lutin through the aftermath of two major tragedies: the death of his wife and the abduction of his son. The novel opens in the rubble and only burrows down deeper as Ashley is mostly content to wallow in grief and self-loathing. The singular avenue of hope he lands on is an act he calls the "ritual": Ashley buries people alive (consensually) and digs them up again, ideally inspiring in them a newfound love of life/desire to live.

The routine of Ashley's life, nightly rituals and all, is soon upset by two events: police come to him with an update on his son's case, and he meets a new client, a younger man who Ashley finds himself strangely drawn to.

The bulk of the novel is, as might be expected, a meditation on grief, although so much of it is twinned to Ashley's self-loathing, which stems both from guilt as well as from internalized homophobia and the toxic constructions of masculinity he inherited from his own father. Ashley sees himself as monstrous, and works to change his physical appearance into something monstrous, precisely because of this twinning. I personally found this to be one of the more interesting aspects of the novel, especially as, even days after reading At Dark, I was still thinking about what LaRocca was trying to do with Ashley, and especially that darker portrayal of grief.

It seems unlikely that someone so ordinary-looking, so commonplace, could harbor such a vile and horrendous secret. At least I've had the courtesy to inform others of my disgrace through my ornate piercings. At least I've notified others that I'm an obscene, despicable thing.

The bulk of the novel is character-driven, just this bleak, torturous romp through Ashley's psyche as he plummets ever further. The prose is solid, and even beautiful in places, and although I anticipated where the plot was going, it was very much in a "this makes the most narrative sense" kind of way.

At Dark was a quick read for me, despite the heavier topics and dark themes, and I did enjoy it overall. There are places where it does feel like LaRocca is intentionally trying to shock the reader (I've been reading darkfic too long for that, alas), but those sections are also some of the most interesting. These sections, several other narratives inserted throughout the novel, are not only some of the more memorable passages, but they really help to reflect how Ashley sees/feels about himself (as horrible as that ends up being).

Most of the things I took issue with were largely me being picky (finding intentional repetition annoying; the insertion of excerpts from a book it seems out of character for Ashley to be writing at all; the ghosts didn't do much for me; etc.). I did enjoy the novel as a whole. Definitely appreciated the ending, and even cried at one point. It's not exactly a fun read, but the writing is competent, the horrors are horrible, and I do think that what LaRocca is attempting is something I haven't seen anyone else do before.

I think At Dark is worth the read, if you can stomach an entire novel about grief and self-loathing. I also intend to pick up some of LaRocca's short fiction in the future, as that does seem to be where he really shines.

NOTE: I didn't include content warnings as many could be considered spoilers, but this is definitely a work that comes with a lot of them. As such, I am more than happy to provide warnings if anyone needs them, please don't be afraid to ask!